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The struggle of feeling something… A valentines day story

So Valentines day is coming very close. A day I normally hate because I have the opinion you need to care, love and be with someone every moment and not on just one particular day. It has been a while ever since I was in a relationship nor felt anything for someone. I want to talk a little bit about this in a short blog.


I fell in a enormous dark hole where I just couldn’t feel anything for any living person. The only thing I could care about were animals. I haven’t felt any love in the 1.5 year I didn’t have a relationship. I am not a person who wants to jump into a relationship very fast, or at least I want to but I just can’t show anyone any affection when I don’t have any particular feelings for that person. I met a girl, well actually know her for quite a while, I don’t want to go in further details with how I know her or something, But I Just fell in love with her and I am actually scared for it. Not even for the part that she doesn’t like me but afraid to lose her as a good friend or so. I always learned that a relationship is just like being friends but with affection and sex. I haven’t had any feelings or so for such a long time that it feels completely strange and somehow new to me, which actually scares me even more because I just don’t want to feel anything for anyone.

But it still scares me that I could potentially lose her if I tell her how much I care about her, how her smile and voice changed my entire life, how her positive vibes, humor and intellectual inspires me to be a better person. How she is part of my daily thoughts and gives me so much energy, joy and strength. How a text from her can change my complete day. It is just incredible how something so small could change so much.

So I was thinking about sending something anonymous to her for Valentines Day but I am to afraid to do that. I want to be spontaneous and do something at very special moments and let the small moments count the most. Like a short stroll, a smile, a laugh and tear, be there in good and bad times, support her, and be her biggest ”fan”. Just having a good time together, that’s the only thing that actually counts.

You know I don’t even care if she doesn’t like me the same way as I like her. If she will be my friend I would be happy with that as well. Of course I need to calm my feelings down but that’s what time will heal.

Still not sure what I should do with this, but hey as long as I know her and she is in my life as friends or maybe something more in some time, I will be happy and just have that little sparkle in my eyes.

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Thanks for reading this small Valentines Day update special blog thingy. This was a good thing for me to do. To just write something so I can actually clear some sky or just feel better afterwards. It helps me to keep thinking straight and stay close to myself even though I feel like a complete new and better version of me just because of her.

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I hope you have a wonderful Valentines Day,

Aluna

7 comments

  1. I’m not the best person to be giving out relationship advice but what I will say is this: you’re a lovely person and deserve happiness, Joey! I really hope this situation works out for you. Sending big hugs your way. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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