The fact is there, the result of you walking this earth is that there are two people that made you. You can’t deny it and you didn’t have the choice to be born as well. You don’t make the choice for your parents how to raise you. So, it’s either make it or break it.
ps. the next story will only be a very short part of the complete story. I could better write a complete book instead, but that’s not how far I want to go. I only use specific key moments since they are bad enough already, the rest of the story is maybe even more shocking or bad. Also I feel the need to say that there have been good moments as well, even though they are/were quite rare.
I was born on December 20, 1992, which makes me 27 years old while writing this article. Normally I don’t open myself this much to the public, I mean, I do talk about this sometimes, but never completely public for anyone to read. Maybe it is a bash as well and maybe I should actually not publish this, or even erase it after publishing, but the other side for me is to show others that there are others with maybe the same kind of problems or simply the contrast of having parents that would do anything for you.
My parents divorced when I was 7 years old, at least I think I was 7, not sure anymore since I blocked almost everything from my mind what happened before the age of 18. So, yeah they divorced and I can remember that it crushed me so much, but it didn’t take long for my mother to change that. When you are so young you believe almost anything that your parents tell you, so I did when my mother told me so much lies about my father and about herself as well. I believed her lies and that resulted in not seeing my father for a very long time and when the time was there to actually see my father again I was just so afraid because of all the lies. But hey, I didn’t know back then.
I lived with my mother till I was 15 or 16 I think, again it is not that clear in my mind anymore. A lot happened in that period. My mother started spreading all lies, not only about my father, but also she started lying about everything she was. She has been seeing so many different men after the divorce, I simply can not remember names of more than 80% of them. They all had one resemblance, Drug abuse, Alcohol abuse or sexual abuse. We moved a lot in that time to a point where we moved places over 12 times in one year. She also started lying about her having cancer. She shaved her head and she kept on lying about this for more than 2 years, 2 years where I had to care about her, my brother and myself, and well, all the millions of “Boy(fuck) friends” she had. Her drug abuse and fucked up mind resulted in life threatening situations many times for me and my brother. She also lied about the fact that she wasn’t my real mother, but she actually was the twin sister of my real mother, who died years ago as the result of cancer. Until we started to find the mistakes in all her lies and confronted her. She kicked us out, nowhere to go, well we could go to my father, but still with a lot of fear, but eventually we moved in with my father, step mother and her 2 daughters.
It felt like a normal household and situation, but after seeing so much in life it simply felt unreal, fake, everything was as a lie and I still think like this many times. I was so confused and didn’t know what was real. also, the other side was, that my father actually never really accepted us as his kids and sometimes I think he still doesn’t do that. I mean I was different back then, I was a person where he was ashamed of to call his son and the only reason for that was because I was not how he wanted me to be. fast forward while I started to do my study. My father met an other woman and well he left my stepmother. My brother started living with our grandparents and I stayed behing with my stepmother, which was a very weird situation yet again. After a couple of weeks she started so tell me numbers that I had to pay her for living in her house, I had nowhere to go, I couldn’t follow my brother to my grandparents. Could not go to my mother or father. I simply had no place to go. I could have chosen to keep living with my stepmother, but it was cheaper for me to find myself my own house/appartment. I stopped my study right away, started working full time at a store called “Lidl” and eventually found myself my first appartment and a grown-up life began. I didn’t have any knowledge about anything related to real life, since everything so far was completely surreal all the time. It still is difficult.
I have become such a fucked up person, simply because of my pas and so far I’ve always managed to keep my head up and keep myself out of all the trouble that life can give you and as soon as I got into trouble I managed to actually save my fucking ass, even though, it sometimes was way to close.
What I want to say about this all is that the reason I did not finish any study, I work at a grocery store, even though I don’t really like it that much anymore, and the fact that I became such a fucked up person is mostly because of my parents. They chose to dump me, both. They took away almost all my chances that I had of making the best out of life, even though I still am trying my best. I simply can’t choose to change jobs that easily because I haven’t finished any studies. I will always be restricted because I haven’t finished any studies. People tell me “hey, just go do a study then”. Well, I can’t, how would I do that? I don’t have any money, because I had to get my own place so abrubt that I didn’t have the chance to actually save money, or well live a life instead of living a restricted life. I am not poor and I can do small things in life, but big investments are a big no go at this point simply because I have debts to pay off and that will restrict me until I am actually to old to really live my life that people are able to live when they are teenagers and yound adults. I lost the first 27 years already and it’s far from over, even though I make my own choices now, I will always be scarred because of both parents.
Thanks for reading this blog, this was way more heavy to write than I eventually thought it would be. Throwing it public is also a big step, even though I don’t have that big of a following. I just wanted to tell the people that have a similar story to hold on, I know it is very difficult, always keep your head up. And to the other group of people, respect that your parents are doing everything for you and showing you that in any kind of way. Parents can make you or break you.