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I just feel like I am a disease, a parasite who is slowly killing people

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Okay well that’s a pretty shocking title, well I am sorry for that but yeah nothing to do about it.

Christmas is almost here and the year is almost over. Time to make a recap of this year. But before you start reading, don’t expect a very positive post, because this actually was one of the worse years in my life. I thought 2016 was a shitty year but, since we are a year further now,  I have to say I was wrong.

I lost my girlfriend at the end of 2016 (in October), even though this isn’t the worse thing ever, it actually made me crash down completely. I was struggling with a depression way before that (since my 13th) but this depression got isolated for this whole relationship. So after breaking up I completely fell down. Now are you thinking well you fell down but you know that feeling pretty good if you have been struggling for so long? Well yes I do but this time it was way worse. I started bringing myself down to a next level. I blacked out and wanted to commit suicide. Thanks to my brother I didn’t do that. But it also was an eye opener. I felt completely out of control during this black out and that scared me so much that I wanted to get help. Ever since I’ve been going to a therapist and I started going up again. In this complete time I stopped working my full time job. To just fully ”heal” myself. This was the hardest fight I did up to that moment. It tired me so much and the tiredness held me down.

We are 6 months in now. I defeated my depression and I started working again (with a major burnout). It took me 2 weeks to fall back in my depression. But at this point it was just not good. I still am going to a therapist every 2 weeks but, this therapy isn’t working anymore. It solved the first issues but, the issues I still have are way deeper. I started going downwards again. up till the point I am writing this right now.

Let me explain a bit. A depression isn’t just feeling bad. I actually feel pretty good most of the time. But for me it is thinking I am bad for other people. This is quite hard to get rid of since I have no friends, I always am alone and well yeah I never am able to manage friends. Even though I am such a social person I am just not able to keep people in my life. I have one girl, who is my best friend, who means the world to me in a non relationable way. But still I am managing to fuck up everything I do and make her life into a living hell. The moment she decides to not talk to me for a minute or so I just start to feel bad. I am going to blame my self for everything and there’s just no stopping me at that point. I keep on going until I want to kill my self (but I am just to afraid of doing that). I just feel like I am a disease, a parasite who is slowly killing people. I just need to save the world from myself. I just feel like I need to lock myself down or kill myself to solve everything. Even though I really don’t want to die. I just feel like I am worthless, No one needs me and no one actually gives a shit and after thinking that I just taking myself down even more. It is a vicious circle which is leading me to my own death. I am starting to get crazy, I am doing things I normally won’t do. I am always feeling stressed or pissed and there’s just no way to calm myself. I just can’t find any rest and I am always sleepless. I sleep an average of 4 hours a night and I am just getting more tired by the day. On the other hand I want to have and get people in my life but I just always feel like they are only there for a reason. To use me to get better. I don’t trust anyone which makes the loneliness even worse.

But, Even though I am going through this rough period. I still want to keep my head up, teach and explain people what I feel or how I am. Even though this post is way to short to explain just 0.1% I still thought and felt the need to make this post and publish it. If you guys want to know more in depth about how I am trying to deal with this let me know. I am a very social and open person and I am just not ashamed by telling anything.

I just hope 2018 will be a better year. And I wish you the best possible Christmas and New Year! May all your dreams come true.

Have a wonderful day,

Aluna

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