Feeling the earth constantly weighting on your chest..

It actually is so difficult to explain what you feel, to tell what is rushing trhough you mind, but also the feeling you get inside your whole body. Sometimes you don’t even know where it is coming from. At least I know where it is coming from…

For me it is a sort of panic attack or anxiety attack, but I’d rather call it an attack of loneliness. It always comes on the most weirdest times, in the middle of the night, as soon as I wake up, During my life streams and so on. But they all feel the same. It starts with some small pressure on your chest and the feeling of your heart rate going up together with negative adrenaline rushing through your veins. I start to heat up and have more difficulties breathing (actually while I am writing this I am having a very bad Attack of Loneliness). Those are actually the physical parts. The mental aspects are even worse and they actually get worse quite fast.

For me the mental parts are actually the most difficult. It starts with the feeling of loneliness (which can happen even when I am with people as well), there is a small window for opportunities there actually, but normally they are gone within a couple of minutes. I stop communicating with people as soon as the loneliness acts up, which is a rather stupid thing to do if I read it like this, soo the small opportunity are the few minutes before it gets worse…
So what is this small opportunity you might ask? Wellll, there has to be a person, mostly it doesn’t matter who, to actually send me a message out of their own. Imagine how difficult it is to actually grab that opportunity? How big is the chance of someone actually messaging you at that particular moment and also saying the right things to help me. Well there is close to 0 chance… So it gets worse..

Everything is going so fast as soon as it is actually going worse. There’s that point of no return, nothing at that moment could actually help me. Within a few minutes I start to blame myself of being alone, not good enough, I start to kick everyone away and Isolate myself more and more each time this is happening. But you think this can’t get any worse? Welll, you are wrong there cause it gets way worse..

We are almost at the deepest point, sometimes I can actually stay away from this, but it costs me so much energy, which I don’t always have. So what happens at the deepest point? The blaming switches to self hatred, to the point I start to imagine what life would be without me, who would come to my funeral, which most of the time is only one person that could actually comes up in my mind, which is my little brother. The self hatred and thoughts rapidly change to the imagination of taking my own life. Luckily I am to afraid of taking my own life, so it will probably never happen.

Now you think well this sounds like being depressed, but believe me I am actually not depressed anymore. I love what I do in life, I am proud on how far I’ve become and I enjoy the small things the most. There are only these attacks which are fucking me up all the time…

So I don’t want to end this story without the good part. Because having these attacks definetly aren’t positive. I have been having these attacks for years now. It gets to a minimum as soon as I think a person genuinly likes me as a person and yes people for treat my like that sometimes, but it doesn’t work when I don’t know those people well. People are trying, but sometimes trying at the wrong moments. People are trying, but sometimes something else happened which made me afraid of them. But even though it is extremely difficult, I always wake up again being a positive, full of energy and excitement of what my day will bring. These attacks are bringing me to the deepest, but also showing me the beauty of being up there as soon as I wake up :)!

Thanks for reading this small story, I love to talk about all kinds of stuff and I really wanted to do this real talk thing for a while now! I was searching for a way to could actually go back to writing again for my blog. Not only about games, but lifestyle in general. I want to talk about every topic I am able to come up with and show you my point of view!